The Salsa State

These are dangerous times in Washington. President Bush is trying to chide the House of Representatives into a “compromise” with the Senate on the immigration bill. He wants amnesty for illegal aliens and a horde of new “guest” workers – skilled and unskilled – who will work for half of what employers have to pay American workers, in return for empty promises about securing the border. Behind the scenes, the White House is arm twisting your representative in Congress.

Those looking for a compromise on immigration reform should consider this: Simply annex Mexico. Make it our 51st state. Instead of giving the Mexicans our country, take over their country.

It’s not as crazy as it may seem. Think about it. Instead of lower wages supplemented by millions of dollars of welfare services, courtesy of our middle class, simply level the playing field and let the chips fall where they may.

That should satisfy everyone from the bleeding heart liberals to staunch conservatives.

If Mexico’s president, Vicente Fox, resists, simply arm the migrants now storming the U.S. and send them to Mexico City for a little chat. Guns are the great equalizer. In Mexico, only outlaws, police and soldiers have guns. Many people south of our border say they are one and the same.

For those who think there is a disparity between the haves and have-nots in our country, consider the present policy in Mexico. Private workers – working for a pittance – retire with the average salary they had in their last 10 years of employment. Meanwhile, their fat-cat “public servants” retire at age 45 with 140 percent of the salary they made on their last day of employment. The Mexican government is supporting these people in grand style for the rest of their natural lives. They are on 30-year luxury vacations!

With policies like these, it’s no wonder Mexico can’t take care of its indigent, fill its potholes, educate its citizens or build sewers and water treatment plants.

It shouldn’t be too hard to persuade President Fox to surrender. With a hostile legislature, he’s been unable to get needed reforms. He’ll be out of office soon and, under Mexico’s present constitution, he can’t run again. Sooo, let him run for governor of what would become our largest state.

If being a governor doesn’t appeal to him, offer him a new Cabinet post. We can make him secretary of “offense.” He’s already “offended” so many of us. No one would dare say he’s unqualified. Why, he would sail right through that Senate confirmation hearing!

For those who simply cannot bear to turn back the poor people who have been working for 50 cents an hour in Mexico, here’s the solution: We bring our minimum wage to them along with the Occupational Safety and Health Administration, the Environmental Protection Agency, the Consumer Product Safety Commission and the Food and Drug Administration. Let the new Mexico “state” government and Mexican businesses operate under the Clean Air Act, the Americans with Disabilities Act, the Civil Rights Act, the Nutrition Labeling and Education Act, the Pollution Prevention Act, the Safe Drinking Water Act and the Endangered Species Act.

How do you spell “machiladora,” the area of mostly U.S.-owned business production facilities just south of our border? You spell it: D-I-S-A-P-P-E-A-R.

Why have Mexico’s impoverished cross the border to receive the world’s best health care?  We bring it to their door along with our income tax, FICA tax, Medicare tax, unemployment tax, death tax, the alternate minimum tax, corporate tax, school tax, gas tax, airport ticket tax, property tax, telecommunications tax, capital gains tax, gift tax, sales tax and user taxes.

Currently, the Mexican government absorbs 12 percent of its gross domestic product in taxes. Ours is closer to 30 percent.

As Mexican workers migrate north, more affluent Americans will migrant south to take advantage of the climate and 6,000 miles of scenic coastline, which will be available at bargain-basement prices.

Also, we can take advantage of Mexico’s plentiful government-owned oil reserves to ease our energy crisis.

Does any of that sound the least bit heartless or crazy?

It is not nearly as crazy and heartless as the Senate bill that would force down wages and drive Americans out of work from Silicon Valley to the farms in the Midwest and the industrial Northeast. It is not nearly as crazy or heartless as asking our middle class to take on the burden of supporting Mexico’s poor, elderly and infirm and get nothing in return.

So what are you waiting for? Want to compromise? Roll out the welcome mat for our 51st state.

No estoy loco! Andela! Andela!

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