The Osama bin Laden Study Group

Instead of listening to advice from the has-beens on the Iraqi Study Group, Congress and the president would be better served to seek the counsel of the mastermind of the terrorists’ attacks against this country, Osama bin Laden.Why not go directly to the source of our trouble? It makes about as much sense as trying to negotiate with Iran and Syria!

So, bin Laden wants to destroy us. It’s just a detail! Put that aside for a moment, the way the Iraq Study Group wants to put aside that little matter of Iran’s building nuclear weapons. By now, the air in his bunker has to be getting a little stale, and he is in poor health.

How to locate bin Laden? Simple! Run an ad on Al-Jazeera. Offer him asylum for a year, cash, food and water for his camels, and free transportation back to his cleverly concealed hiding place, favorite sand dune, cave, terrorist state or the Mayo Clinic; his choice.

It just might work. After all, the imposing figure in the long white robe is concerned about his public image and craves publicity as much as the next guy. If necessary, throw in a make-up artist and a kidney dialysis machine.

Even the son of a Saudi billionaire could be a little strapped for cash. His fund-raising appeals have all but dried up. He has terrorists’ attacks to finance; the debts of the martyrs to pay off; all those wives, children and bodyguards to feed. Times are hard. He might welcome a change.

One thing is for sure: Unlike the ISG, the goal for this discourse would not be “consensus.” OBL surely would assemble a few international thugs to sit crossed legged beside him, but he wouldn’t take any guff from them. Don’t let that skirt mislead you. He’s a take-charge kind of guy.

As a tactician, bin Laden has widespread respect if not admiration. The same cannot be said of the Baker/Hamilton brigade. In 1990, it was this same James Baker who, as sectary of state, ceded Lebanon to Syria in exchange for its “help” with Iraq. What would he have us offer Iran in exchange for its “help” in the region?

Enough of this! Let’s hear from that mastermind of terror himself.

A report from the Osama bin Laden Study Group would go something like this:

Praise be to Allah that you have finally come to me to learn the error of your ways. When people see a “strong horse” and a “weak horse,” by nature they will like the strong horse. Why, then, have you put the weak Hummer horses in Iraq?Those Hummers may look “cool” on the streets of your Beverly Hills, but they look foolish in Baghdad where they can be blown to bits by our roadside bombs. Ship in the heavy equipment! If you don’t have enough heavy equipment, make it. If necessary, put your women to work in the factories like you did in World War II. This is war and we are out to destroy you, or haven’t you noticed?

If you want to win in Iraq, close the borders! How else can you expect to contain and round up the terrorists? You can use your own border patrol. After all, you don’t allow them to do anything but pick their noses back home.

You are the strongest country in the world – act like it. Send more men over to fight us and protect the Iraqi people. The Iraqi government is now playing to both sides because they fear America is the weak horse.

Every day the Iraqi people hear “experts” from America debating whether or not you can win in Iraq. Why should the Iraqi people give up the terrorists in their midst if you are going to leave them to the mercy of those terrorists?

We are fighting you infidels in Iraq to prove that we are the strong horse in order to get Islamists around the world behind us. However, if you abandon Iraq, make no mistake: We will come after you in the United States.

The idea that you can’t win in Iraq is absurd. You simply don’t have the will to win. Americans have become soft. If victory cannot be delivered with the speed of a Big Mac and fries, you infidels grow impatient.

We sons of Allah can afford to be patient. We know that time is on our side.

After the cameras stop rolling, bin Laden asks:

How do I look on American TV? Was I too cocky? Was my beard too long? Did you get my best side?

Good! Now it’s back to the bunker for a while. Praise be to Allah; they will ignore every word!

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